Our Rainbow Baby Day

Love, everlasting

~A woman who has carried a child within her womb, and loved that child, should be honoured as a mother~

                    ~No baby should ever be forgotten~

                                     ~No love should ever be dismissed~

                                                     ~A maternal bond should always be respected~

                                                                    ~A mother’s love for her child never ceases~

~A parent mourning the death of their child should never be pitied! Open your eyes! admire their courage! and uphold the precious love that they have for their child, for this love is a treasure beyond any other~

 Mallorca, Spain.

A sunset tribute dedicated to our daughter, Zafirah Leigh Goldenberg.

Date: Sunday, 26 August 2012

Time: Sunset

A gathering of friends and family.

At sunset, on Sunday, the 26th August 2012, we will gather our closest friends on a beautiful beach on our paradise island, Mallorca.

We ask that all attending wear white, in honour of our daughter’s purity and youth.

Friends are welcome to bring their children. But we request  a respectful calm, and that the attention of all present is focused, in some way or another, on the reason for our gathering…

…That is, as the mother of Zafirah, one year after her birth and her passing, I feel it necessary to bring attention to the significance of her life, her birth, and also her passing. It is amongst friends and family, whom we trust, that we can do this. Feeling safe that our wish to honour our baby is respected.

If any individuals would like to publicly say a few words to Howie and I, or dedicate them to Zafirah, please email me to let me know. For family and friends who cannot join us, the same applies to you. You are welcome to email the dedication, and Howie or I will read it out loud.

This event is not, of course, a celebration of Zafirah’s birthday, as such. It would have been a celebration, if Zafirah was physically here, turning one. We would all be gathering, to pinch her cheeks and smile into her big beautiful eyes. But, rather, this evening spent together will be a tribute to her, and to Howie and I as her parents. And, it is this which we celebrate.

Photographs will be taken to add to a memoir of this special evening.

There will likely be tears shed, as Howie and I dedicate a few words to our daughter. But no need to expect a morbid affair. We hope that all present will appreciate the event for what it is; a gathering of those close to us, who have formed part of Howie’s and my journey over the past 21 months, to remember our love, our joy, our sadness, and our continuing adoration for our baby girl.

Ultimately, I hope to form an annual event here in Mallorca, which will be called Rainbow Baby Day.

The term Rainbow baby is often used to refer to a child born after a pregnancy loss/stillbirth/early infant-loss. I cannot accept this use of the term in my case, as Zafirah IS my rainbow baby. This is so for one simple reason; I chose  the song  ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow/Wonderful World’ as ‘her’ song in the second month of my pregnancy, and sang it to her everyday throughout the rest of the 40 weeks that I carried her. And it is the song I continue to sing for her. Of course, during my pregnancy I had no idea that my precious, beautiful and healthy daughter would soon indeed be ‘high above the chimney tops, where trouble melts like lemon drops’. I had chosen the song solely for the delightful images it brought to mind, and it’s sweet and child-like melody.

Below is a brief description of the Rainbow Baby Day event, which I hope to publicize and host in 2013. Friends, please read it. But understand that it is a description of the event I wish to host next year. And is different from our little 2012 gathering, in that it will be a tribute to the lives of many babies and children. Whereas, this year, Howie and I will gather with our closest friends as together we honour the life (earthly, and eternal) of our rainbow child.

~Love~

Amy

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Losing a child during pregnancy, birth, or shortly thereafter is a deeply shocking, life-altering, heart-breaking, core-shaking experience. Once the initial shock of this crushing occurrence has settled (one year later , in some ways, I am still waiting for this to happen), parents and other family members are left with many painful questions and complex emotions to deal with. And a piercingly painful reality. A harsh and cruel request. That is, to accept that their beloved child is no longer physically with them. Love, dreams, and aspirations that had been cultivated and nurtured are suddenly shattered, torn off, left bloodied and excruciatingly painful.

In the midst of such a trauma, and in the phase of healing thereafter, friends and family are often at a loss as to what they can do to comfort and show support to the grieving parents and families.
Since every individual grieves differently, it would not be possible to create an exhaustive list of to-do’s for people who are hoping to show their support.

What is common is for parents to want their child acknowledged, their child’s names spoken, their lives honoured. After all, the ‘loss’ of a baby is not simply the loss of a baby. It is the irreplaceable separation of parents and siblings from a MOST significant person. Who is more important to a mother and a father than their own child? No matter how old, or young, that child is/was.

Friends and strangers may find it awkward to speak about the child, the woman’s pregnancy, or the event of losing that child. Or feel that it is better for the parents ‘to move on’.  But here is something to remember; there are not many, if any, opportunities for the possibility of two people to be so chemically-entwined, so emotionally in-tune, so in-love with each other, as mother and child are in the time of pregnancy and in the life-time of this bond there-after. This is not always the case, of course. But in my case, it was so.

I also find it vitally important, for the support and healing of grieving parents, that the ideas of of ‘getting over’ and ‘moving on’ are discarded. In my healing, I have found hearing these ridiculous terms flagrantly torturous, ruthless, and absolutely absurd. All my child has brought into my life. All the pain that I endure in being separated from her. My  burgeoning understanding and appreciation of life, of love, of hope, of wonder. These throes of agonizing sadness. This beautiful blooming of a parent’s love. The finer wisdoms I have seen and learnt. The journey that I have walked, and flown, and crawled, and danced, since I fell pregnant, until now. In all of these. I can tell you, proudly, fearlessly, that my daughter’s life has brought gold into my being. And her going has given breath to that gold. I will never ever simply ‘get over’ or weakly ‘move on’ from her, her life, her passing. As if her life and her death are but empty dark holes to move away from and forget. I tell you, because of her life, her passing, I step forward with vigour. Now I strive to soar more courageously above fear, to flood my earth with love, to cover my earth with rainbows. Now I open up like a flower’s petals awakening to the rising sun. Now I release the perfumes of awe and beauty and appreciation as the stars and moon cover my sky. My life is made up of the past, the present, and the future.

If you wish to live only in the present, get your hippocampus removed.

In this first year after Zafirah’s birth, I have found it important that the precious life of my beloved child is not discarded in the minds of others. Zafirah is not the unfortunate victim of nature. She is not the baby that died during birth and must be forgotten. She is not an unknown person, gone before she had a chance to make an impression.

Zafirah Leigh is my daughter. She is Howie’s beloved baby girl. She is niece, grand daughter, and great-grand daughter. Zafirah, in my womb, was kind, caring, sweet, knowing, strong, gentle, and more adorable than there are words to say. These facts live on in my heart, in my mind, in my body.

Speaking from my own experience, as well as what I’ve gleaned from different blogs I’ve read and bereaved couples I’ve spoken to, parent’s feel most supported and cared for when family and friends acknowledge their child, call their child by name, are receptive to hearing about the child’s character and physical appearance, are receptive to any and all stories about the child and the child’s passing that the parent wishes to share, and perhaps even gift the parents by saying something as caring and kind as ‘your child forever holds a place in my heart/I feel like I know your child, through all you’ve told me about him/ her’.

Rainbow Baby Day will be a space for parents who wish to express their love  for their child, their sorrow, their hope, joy… in an environment where they can trust that these feelings and tributes are understood and respected, rather than pitied or brushed aside.

I invite you to read Some things for others to know, written in point form at the end of the article linked to here :

http://stillbirthday.com/2012/06/07/subsequently/ .

It conveys important points for friends of those who are living with the grief of losing a baby.

Rainbow Baby Day will be an event for those who have loved, and continue to love, a baby or young child who has gone before them. It is an opportunity for us to honour the lives of these children . To dedicate time and beautiful gestures as a tribute to them, and to ourselves, as parents.

We decided to name the occasion Rainbow Baby Day for several different reasons.

-When we look at what attracts us to rainbows, we recognize that  they are the product of pure white light. As a result of refraction, this white light is divided into it’s finer constituents, which blaze brightly and beautifully, and with a promise. The rainbow is my promise that the beauty and truth of love shines ever brightly, perhaps felt even more powerfully after great pain. In great suffering, we may realise that love is all we have that is strong enough to rely on, for support, for life.

-Similar to how our love for our child and memories we associate with them at times make us feel very close to them; so the light and the colours of the rainbow seem almost tangible, yet remain just out of reach.

-We can say that a rainbow reflects a truth that is usually invisible to our eyes. A rainbow reflects a truer nature of pure white light. Unless there are conditions which cause light to be refracted, refined, such as rainfall, we would not know that the light that surrounds us and keeps us warm is in fact composed of the full spectrum of beautiful colours that we see reflected in that rainbow.

-Another reason for choosing the name, Rainbow Baby Day,  is that it reflects our appreciation for the saying that ‘at the end of every rainbow lies a pot of gold’. We might like to think of that pot of gold as representing our beloved child. And that the rainbow itself forms the path of our lives that will eventually lead us to a place of great celebration and reunion.

-The beautiful song, Somewhere over the Rainbow/Wonderful World, sung by so many, but also my Israel “IZ” Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole, represents so well this hope that many of us parents share.

Each person present at Rainbow Baby Day might find their own particular meaning for ‘Rainbow Baby’.

During this sunset tribute, those present will have the opportunity, if they so wish, to publicly dedicate their personal tributes to their babies. And, at sunset, to participate in releasing sky/sea lanterns, flowers, petals, … .

It is my wish to present a platform for grieving parents to feel free to express, through beauty, their love for their their babies, to honour the lives of these infants, and also to honour themselves as parents.

Perhaps these gestures of love and creativity might bring some healing to those mourning the loss of their child, as it has done for me.

With love

Amy